


silenced by pain

by booksbymauria



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Emotional, F/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28713063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksbymauria/pseuds/booksbymauria
Summary: this book is about a girl who got silenced by pain and she took the road to suicide telling her story while she's dead she start's realizing she made a big mistake.
Relationships: m/f - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> warning: this contains brief mentions of suicide, and depression!

Title: The silence of pain 

Chapter 1 

Hey, I’m Leah. Now let me tell you a story of my life and how I got silenced by – pain - you might be thinking no way but yeah, pain can do a lot to you weaken your body so your no longer able to slay your demons, make you doubt yourself and so everything you ever wanted to do becomes your fears et cetera et cetera it just keeps going on. So, let me explain to you how my pain started let us begin shall we? Phase 1: it all started with a boy stupid, I know but that one boy made me feel like I was holding the world in my hands, he made me feel like I had the crown, the palace, and the fancy accent, I felt like everyone worshiped me because of one boy. And then he hurt me making me feel like I had it all was part of his plan I just realized it all a bit to late when he hurt me, I began to bawl my eyes out I guess you could say about every day, I began to feel worthless and alone instead of having the crown, the palace and the fancy accent instead of having people worship me I felt I had been the one worshiping people... those same people who had once worshiped me. That one boy left a hole in my heart a hole which no one could fill. after that boy left me, I made a commitment “not to trust anyone else” and that’s when I started pushing everyone away, I became lonely. Let's not dwell on the past thought so let's continue. Phase 2: after I pushed everyone away, I wished I had never done that because I needed people to talk to and no one was there, and of course I was young and stupid, so it didn’t occur to me that I pushed them away and that’s the whole reason I was lonely and afraid to trust anyone else. It felt like I was in the dark even when there was sunlight it felt like I was fighting alone even though some of those people I pushed away never gave up on me, I didn’t like this feeling so I started getting thoughts of course not ones like “would I look cute in this outfit today?” more like is life really worth living? Do they notice me? Basically, I made the dumbest choice of my life which seemed smart back then and I committed suicide, confused wondering how is she telling me this now? Well, you’re talking to a dead girl I had the same question as you I don’t know how it’s possible, but I came back but no one can see me I guess only you can hear me which means you must be going through something. 

Chapter 2 

Maybe were the same pushing people away letting boys break our little hearts oh! That’s right I never told you how I feel now, right now I actually don’t feel anything I think I've been hurt to many times to where I'm at the point in life where I say “ I don’t care” and I say that because when I screamed for help you didn’t come, when I drowned in an ocean of my tears you looked over the boat and watched me drown splashing water trying to get a bit of air, through all of my hardships I don’t know why but you just weren't there. Karma works alone and she never changes she took too long to come around, so I took matters into my own hands I tried to hurt everyone who had hurt me, but I just made my pain worse. If you’re wondering what I did I ran to the bottle of pills I thought maybe they would take me seriously pay attention to what I do but no instead I was sent to a mental hospital I had therapy once a week and that lady would always ask are you ok, I would always say yes until one day I got tired of lying so I told her the truth “I'm not fine. It feels like I'm in a never-ending nightmare with all of my worse demons that I'm to afraid to fight because I think they’ll win I'm to weak so should I just bow down get it over with I hate my life and just so you know therapy won't change that.” I bet you wouldn’t trade lives with me for anything don't worry I wouldn't trade with me either. I'm so confused with my life it feels like I'm still alive waiting for someone to come and save me, hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be fine I'm screaming to the top of my lungs “I NEED HELP” please, why don’t you hear me I need somebody to come and tell me everything is fine even though everything’s not fine that might help me continue fighting this battle that so many times I've tried giving up. Gasping for air because my own shame, guilt, disappointment, is making my air toxic, when I killed myself laying in that tub with the bloody water asking myself what did I just do I can hear the sirens everyone sobbing telling me how much they love me like that could bring me back I needed people telling me how much they loved me before I got - silence by pain - but you weren't there for me, so stop telling me how much you loved me, don’t tell me I could’ve called and talked to you because when I did you didn’t answer so no I'm not fine but I forgot you never asked and now look. 

Chapter 3 

Welcome to phase 3 of my none so fabulous life if you’re still reading this thanks for sticking with me. Have you ever had one of those moments where you sit down in the dark and cry for hours, and hours, and hours, just thinking, wondering –who am I? -- yeah, me too. Right now, I'm just thinking to myself give up give up nobody cares! Though I really wish they did I mean tell me... do you ever suffocate breathing the same air everyone else breathes I'm that on person who no-one comes up to and ask hey are you ok, I’m... I’m alone in this fight and there's nothing I can do about it, so I was – silenced by pain - I was so stupid I thought I won the fight when I killed myself.... I- I thought I won, when really, I was a coward, a self-less punk who ran from her fears I was so afraid my nightmares came to life and to everyone I might've hurt I apologize when I fought my battle, I didn’t even pick up my sword I stood there, I just stood there like an idiot I didn't even surrender I was a weak, lazy, loser who- who ran down the road of suicide here’s a little reminder: don’t ever, I mean ever, do what I did it won’t do anything you’ll be in pain still trust me. You know some people think pain is crying because you got in trouble or something didn’t go your way but no, that’s not what pain is. Pain is when you take different routes – up, down, left, right – and somehow you always end up back in hell, pain is when you fake a smile every day you get up even though behind that smile, you're bawling your eyes out screaming for help and above your head is a dark cloud that follows you wherever you go and fills your head with thoughts about how it won't get better but listen to me if you just hold on for a bit longer maybe it will get better when I was alive I told people “one day when you find me hanging from a rope, or with a bullet through my skull, maybe pills will be beside me cause I overdosed, I don’t know but however you find me don’t dare tell me that you love me because when I was alive those are the words I needed to hear” yeah now you're probably worried about me IM NOT OKAY! But don’t worry...IM FINE!


	2. Chapter 4: phase 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this phase of Leah's emotional story she slowly starts to realize she made a mistake and wishes she could get her life back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: contains brief suicide mentions, depression, mentions of self-harm

Chapter 4 

So what are you going through? I mean... I'm dead and you can hear me speaking to you, are you thinking about suicide? Or asking yourself will it get better? Well it won't that's why I'm dead. I tried everything, do you think if I would've held on a bit longer things would've been different ha! No nothing would've been different because everyone knows -- what's done in the past always effects the future-- and that's just my way of saying " what's done is done and can't be undone unless you use pencil" and as you may probably know everyone in my life hurt me, they broke me and never even apologized. every time I tried to love I got punished and so I stopped loving. My heart was ripped out of my chest I mean sometimes you get your heartbroken and can easily fix it through time, you know taking it one day at a time but no, when someone shatters your heart it's to hard to fix wanna know why? Well... I'm gonna tell you. The pieces to your shattered heart, they'll be to small to find and so you won't be able to fix your broken little heart but here's a tip: you only get hurt trying to love the people who hurt to so don't love and you won't get hurt that's what I do. but it only left me lonely. But like always I'll be fine! have you ever felt like life was irrelevant, I mean I think life could be the most dumbest thing ever created people live just so they can die I feel it's rude judging people and if you kill yourself you'll go to hell people like me suffer and we start to feel that suicide is the only way out I should've just-- crazy but I'm actually feeling a lot of regret right now. I mean do you ever feel like this? I feel like I could've fought back IM SO STUPID!!! I let my demons win I thought that if I just gave up, gave in you know? pain would no longer be a thing but sadly I'm still going through pain do you hear me? please, let me start over... please


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in this part of the story leah blames basically everyone she told she was ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like it!

chapter 5

So now were on to looks. Looks can be deceiving, and it is so scary what a smile can hide. So much pain and anger I mean: it keeps you from saying the truth how you really feel that’s what I did I'd walk the halls waving with a smile on my face and each person coming up to me asking “hey are you ok? “I'd go: “yes, I'm fine “but... I was not ok, I was not fine at all but that is what I wanted people to think so bear with me when I say “looks can be deceiving “-- HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME, please! -- I am fine. If you read the bible the first few pages god created this world, he created Adam and Eve but you see all went wrong when the devil deceived them not by looks but by lies I'm not going to use quotes or anything I'm going to put it in my own words you see the devil practically said “ if ye eat this apple you will be as powerful as God, you’ll have as much knowledge as him “ and being deceived by the devil Eve ate the apple and then gave it to Adam there were consequences of course they were kicked out of the garden of Eden I deceived all of you guys by words and looks and your consequences? My death. And now you see how much harm looks, words, and lies can cause.


End file.
